The Revolutionary Act of Validation
“What you’re saying makes sense.” These five words created a visible shift in the wife’s entire body during the intensive. Her shoulders dropped, her face softened, and tears appeared. For the first time in years, she wasn’t being told she was too sensitive, too emotional, or making mountains out of molehills. She was making sense.
Validation—the simple act of acknowledging another person’s reality as legitimate—is perhaps the most underutilized tool in relationships. We’re quick to defend, explain, or argue, but slow to simply say, “Given your experience, your feelings make perfect sense.”
During this couple’s session, the husband learned to validate his wife’s experience of feeling controlled by his parents. He didn’t have to agree that his parents were controlling—he simply had to acknowledge that her experience of feeling that way made sense given what she’d observed. This distinction is crucial: validation isn’t agreement; it’s acknowledgment that someone’s reality is valid for them.
The wife had spent years being told she was “overreacting” to his family’s involvement. Every time she raised concerns, she was met with explanations of why she was wrong. This created what the therapist called “reality confusion”—when your lived experience is repeatedly invalidated, you begin to doubt your own perceptions. Am I crazy? Am I too sensitive? Am I the problem?
When the husband finally said, “It makes sense that you feel I’m controlled by my parents because I do take months to make decisions after talking to my dad,” something profound shifted. He wasn’t admitting his parents controlled him, but he was acknowledging her reality had basis in observable behavior.
Validation works because it addresses a fundamental human need: to be understood as a sense-making being. We’re meaning-making creatures, constantly creating narratives to understand our world. When someone says our narrative makes sense—even if they’d write a different story—we feel seen, heard, and fundamentally respected.
The couple discovered that validation de-escalates conflict faster than any solution ever could. When the wife felt validated, she naturally became less intense in her expression. When the husband felt his quietness made sense given his upbringing, he found more courage to speak. Validation created safety, and safety created possibility for change.
The therapist taught them a crucial principle: “We all make sense all the time. Our tears make sense, our silence makes sense, our anger makes sense—in the context of our full story.” This doesn’t mean all behaviors are acceptable, but it means all behaviors have a logic when understood in context.
They practiced validating each other about small things first. “It makes sense you’re frustrated about traffic.” “It makes sense you need quiet time after work.” These small validations began to rebuild trust that each partner’s reality was welcome in the relationship.
The most powerful moment came when the husband validated his wife’s loneliness: “It makes sense you feel lonely when I’m physically here but emotionally absent. That must be even worse than being actually alone.” His acknowledgment of her emotional reality, without defense or explanation, created more connection than hours of previous conversations.
Validation doesn’t solve problems directly, but it creates the emotional safety necessary for problems to be solved together. When we feel our reality is acknowledged, we naturally become more flexible, creative, and collaborative. When we know we make sense, we can risk changing. When our story is heard, we can consider writing a new chapter.
The couple left with this homework: validate first, problem-solve second. Before jumping to solutions or explanations, simply acknowledge: “What you’re experiencing makes sense because…” This simple practice began transforming their dynamic from adversaries arguing over whose reality was “right” to allies exploring how both realities could coexist.