by Kobus van der Merwe | Oct 9, 2026 | Blog, Couples
By Kobus van der Merwe | Imago Relationship Therapist and Trainer
The fight may begin with shoes on the floor, a mother-in-law, or how to discipline the children. Before long, you are having a conversation you have had many times before. You explain. Your partner defends. You push harder, or one of you disappears into silence. Afterwards, both of you feel further apart.
In my work with couples, I help them discover the needs that have become difficult to hear inside these arguments. Imago Relationship Therapy gives both partners a structured way to speak and listen, so they can begin to feel seen, supported and connected again. That changes the conditions in which they address their disagreements.
The need that gets lost inside the argument
Couples often believe they are stuck because they cannot agree about the subject of the fight. Yet beneath a repeated argument, I frequently hear something more personal: “Do I matter to you? Do I have a voice here? Can I count on your support?”
These needs have a history. Someone who grew up without being heard may experience a partner dismissing their opinion as painfully familiar. Earlier experiences of being unsupported can give particular intensity to feeling alone in a marriage today.
The need then comes out as an accusation. “You never care” carries a longing for care, but the partner hears an attack and starts defending. As the defence grows, the person asking for connection feels even less heard. Both become caught in a conversation that keeps their needs out of reach.
The present issue still matters. Children need thoughtful parenting, and hurtful behaviour needs to change. Hearing the relational need beneath the argument helps couples address those realities with more understanding and responsibility.
A couple fighting about their children
One couple I worked with repeatedly fought about parenting. The wife felt her husband was too strict and did not allow the children a voice. He felt she sided with the children and undermined him in front of them. He experienced himself as separate from the family; she experienced her opinion as less important than his.
The more he insisted on order, the more she felt she had to override him to be heard. The more she challenged him, the more unsupported he felt as a father.
Through dialogue, he could express his wish to be a good parent and his need for support in doing that. She could express her need to be heard, to feel safe, and to have a voice equal to his.
As those needs became clearer, she could support his contribution as a parent, and he could make room for hers. They began to become a parenting team, able to bring both order and freedom into family life. Their different perspectives became something they could work with together.
How Imago changes the conversation
I work with both sides of the exchange. I help one partner listen without immediately defending, attacking or taking over. I help the other express the need underneath the blame.
For example, “You spoil the children and leave me to be the responsible one” might become: “I want to be a good parent, and I feel alone in that. I need to feel that we are doing this together.”
The Imago Dialogue gives this conversation a structure. In mirroring, the listener reflects what the speaker has said and checks for accuracy. In validation, the listener recognises how the partner’s perspective makes sense, even when their own perspective differs. In empathy, the listener tries to understand the feelings involved and checks that understanding with the partner. Then they switch roles.
Both people have room to speak and to be received. Someone who usually takes over practises listening. Someone who usually disappears has a protected turn in which to become present.
Safety makes listening possible
When the space between partners feels threatening, listening becomes difficult. One may raise their voice; the other may freeze or withdraw. Their bodies become caught up in the experience of disconnection.
I may begin with slower breathing, supported eye contact, mirroring or a guided visualisation. I also structure the conversation so that neither person has to fight for a turn. The purpose is to help them experience enough safety and connection to speak differently and hear each other.
If someone says, “Why should I listen when they keep hurting me?”, I take that objection seriously. I listen for the need within it: perhaps space, recognition, or reassurance that their voice will also matter. We work to make room for that need rather than forcing the conversation forward.
Years of working with couples have taught me that the quiet partner is not automatically the calmer or more secure one. In a recurring pattern of pursuing and withdrawing, both may feel deeply unsafe. The louder partner needs help to become hearable, and the withdrawing partner needs enough safety to show up. The dance between them needs to change.
Why I work on the conditions between partners
A couple can leave therapy with an agreement about this week’s behaviour and still feel like enemies. That is why my primary focus is the quality of the space between them: whether both voices matter, whether they can speak without blame, and whether empathy is becoming possible.
As those conditions change, partners can begin to respond differently because they understand the person in front of them. In my experience, that gives behaviour change a more sustainable foundation.
Specific requests have a place too. I encourage couples to enable their partner to respond to a need by making it clear and possible to act on. For example: “Before we decide on a consequence for the children, would you hear my view so we can make the decision together?”
I look for signs that the relationship itself is changing. Blame becomes less frequent. The person speaking becomes more vulnerable. The listener grows more curious and less judgmental. There is more empathy, even while differences remain.
A first practice to try together
Choose a time when you are both willing to listen, and begin with something manageable. This is a first practice in mirroring, which you can develop further through guided dialogue.
- Turn towards each other. Sit facing one another and make eye contact in a way that feels comfortable to both of you.
- Let one person speak briefly. Use one or two sentences to describe your experience and a need, with as little blame as possible.
- Mirror the words. The listener begins, “I hear you say…” and reflects the message without adding an explanation or a defence.
- Check your understanding. Ask, “Did I hear you accurately?” If something was missed, listen to the correction and mirror again.
- Invite more. Once the speaker feels accurately heard, say, “Tell me more.” Continue in short turns until they have finished.
- Switch roles. Give the other partner the same space to speak and be heard.
If either of you becomes overwhelmed, pause and agree when to return. A therapist can help you find a pace and structure that make the conversation possible.
When you are exhausted by fighting
It makes sense to feel exhausted. Repeated fighting takes energy from your relationship and from the rest of your life. Being tired of this pattern can become an opening to consider a different way of being together.
I see frustration as something worth listening to. It can reveal where the relationship needs more room for both people to feel valued, connected and alive. Couples can use that information to grow more conscious of how they affect each other.
Imago Therapy offers guidance, structure and skills for that work. You can begin by letting your partner finish a sentence, hearing the need within it, and discovering that there is room for your experience too. With support and practice, a conversation that once kept you apart can become a place where you find each other again.
by Kobus van der Merwe | Sep 21, 2026 | Blog, Couples
One of you may be hopeful. The other may be tired of hoping. You might want help and still be unsure whether anything can change. That uncertainty can make even booking an appointment feel like a decision about the whole relationship.
An initial conversation can make room for different starting points. You can describe what hurts, what you still value and what you are unsure about. Each partner needs freedom to speak honestly about their willingness and limits.
In my Imago work, I begin by attending to the interaction between you. What happens when you reach for each other? Where does the conversation lose safety? What helps each of you remain present? We look at the pattern together and consider what support is appropriate.
When it is safe and both are willing, a brief guided dialogue can give you an experience to reflect on. One person speaks; the other mirrors, validates and empathises; then you change roles. Afterwards, we can ask what happened between you while you were listening and being heard.
Some couples experience a moment of contact. Others find the structure unfamiliar or remain guarded. Either response deserves attention. A difficult beginning is information about the support needed, and a hopeful moment still needs practice and follow-through.
A Couples Intensive creates a longer period of focused work. My two-day intensive in Pretoria gives you time to explore recurring patterns, practise Imago Dialogue and develop ways to care for your relationship afterwards. It is a substantial commitment, so the decision needs to fit your circumstances and be freely made by both partners.
We also consider what continued support may be needed. An intensive begins work that you will carry into ordinary days: respectful dialogue, prompt repair, daily appreciation and agreements you can keep. There is no need to promise a particular outcome before exploring whether the process is right for you.
Begin with an honest invitation
If it feels safe to ask, try: ‘Would you be willing to find out with me what help could look like?’ Give your partner room to answer without persuasion. You can each name what you would need to know before considering an intensive.
Questions about the process, practical arrangements and readiness are welcome. An enquiry is a place to explore those questions and establish an appropriate next step.
Contact Kobus van der Merwe to discuss whether a Couples Intensive would be a suitable next step for your relationship.
Enquire about the Couples Intensive
by Kobus van der Merwe | Sep 21, 2026 | Blog, Couples
You decide it is easier to say nothing. The question can wait. The disappointment can be swallowed. Another evening passes without an argument, but you feel a little further away from your partner.
Sometimes a quiet relationship contains a great deal that feels too difficult to say. If honesty regularly meets ridicule, dismissal or a sharp response, you may become careful about what you bring into the conversation. Your partner may not realise how much has gone unspoken.
Imago therapy works towards a relationship in which both people can speak and remain respected. Safety becomes visible in what you do: letting a sentence finish, listening without mockery, accepting a pause and taking responsibility when your words hurt.
Zero Negativity is an Imago commitment to remove put-downs and other hurtful ways of relating. Anger, disappointment and disagreement still need a voice. The commitment asks you to express them in ways that protect the dignity of the person listening.
This includes noticing sarcasm, contemptuous gestures and punishment through withdrawal. It also includes learning to repair promptly. You might say: ‘That came out harshly. I want to say it again respectfully.’ Your partner is free to need a pause before hearing the new attempt.
Imago Dialogue gives difficult feelings a structure. One partner describes a specific experience. The other mirrors, validates the meaning and checks the feelings involved. Then you switch. A therapist can help you use more structure when a conversation becomes hard to manage.
Small, honest appreciations can also help create a more welcoming everyday interaction. They should never be used to silence a concern or require someone to overlook harm. Both warmth and difficult truth need room between you.
Agree on one way to protect the conversation
Choose a respectful agreement together, such as allowing each other to finish or pausing when a voice becomes harsh. Decide on a simple phrase: ‘Can we slow this down?’ Honour the request and arrange a return when you can listen.
If speaking honestly could lead to threats, violence or retaliation, seek confidential professional support and a safety assessment before joint exercises. No dialogue agreement requires you to remain in danger. Read more about safety and couples therapy.
If you want help making honest conversation safer, ask about a Couples Intensive. We can consider the support and structure your relationship needs before deciding whether this format fits.
Ask about a Couples Intensive
by Kobus van der Merwe | Sep 21, 2026 | Blog, Couples
Perhaps you have asked for more support so often that another request feels pointless. You want your partner to notice. Having to spell everything out can feel like further evidence that you are carrying the relationship alone.
That disappointment deserves to be heard. Imago therapy makes room for the longing beneath a repeated frustration: to feel considered, accompanied or important. We also look at what happens between you when the frustration is expressed.
A broad complaint can leave your partner defending their character while you are trying to describe your loneliness. You may then explain more urgently, and they may retreat further. The need for contact disappears inside another argument about who has done enough.
In Imago, the Behaviour Change Request process begins with understanding. Your partner listens to the situation and its meaning through mirroring, validation and empathy. Only after there has been room for that experience do you work towards a concrete request.
A request names something observable and possible. For example: ‘Would you put our phones aside with me for ten minutes after supper on three evenings this week, so we can hear about each other’s day?’ Your partner can understand what you are asking and consider whether they can offer it.
The response must be freely chosen. You can explore an alternative that respects the same longing, or name honestly that an important need remains unmet. A clearer request does not guarantee agreement, and it does not make you responsible for persuading someone to care.
When a partner does choose a caring action and follows through, the relationship gains a concrete experience of responsiveness. You have something real to notice and build on. If agreements repeatedly go unkept, that pattern also deserves attention.
Give one longing a clear expression
Choose a small frustration for a mutually agreed dialogue. Try: ‘When … happens, I feel … What I long for between us is …’ Describe the event without attacking your partner’s character. The receiver mirrors, validates and empathises.
Then offer one specific, time-limited request. Ask whether it is something your partner is willing to do. After both have had a turn, agree when you will check how it went. Requests for care should preserve each person’s dignity and choice.
If your needs keep getting lost in frustration, a Couples Intensive offers guided practice in hearing the longing and making workable agreements together.
Explore a Couples Intensive
by Kobus van der Merwe | Sep 21, 2026 | Blog, Couples
The apology has been made. One partner hopes you can move forward. The other is still watching for signs that the hurt could happen again. A question brings defensiveness; the defensiveness creates more uncertainty. Soon, you are arguing about how long repair should take.
An apology and restored trust are different experiences. Words can acknowledge harm. Trust also depends on what happens afterwards: whether the behaviour changes, whether agreements hold, and whether the hurt can be discussed without being dismissed.
Imago therapy can provide structure for these conversations. The partner who was hurt gets time to describe the impact. The listening partner mirrors that experience, validates why it makes sense and responds with empathy. Explanations are held until the impact has been heard, with the therapist helping to keep the conversation manageable.
A relational approach preserves responsibility. The person who caused harm is responsible for that action. Understanding a wider relationship pattern does not transfer responsibility for deception, betrayal or intimidation to the partner who experienced it.
Repair needs concrete behaviour as well as understanding. What will stop? What agreement will be kept? How will a missed agreement be acknowledged? The details depend on what happened and what each person freely chooses. Continuing harm cannot be repaired by better wording alone.
There also needs to be room for uncertainty. An injured partner may not know whether trust or closeness will return. Dialogue must never become a way of demanding forgiveness, physical affection or a decision to stay. Those choices cannot be made on someone else’s timetable.
Make the next repair specific
For a manageable everyday rupture, the person who caused hurt might begin: ‘I want to take responsibility for … I want to understand how it affected you.’ Listen through mirroring, validation and empathy, then name a specific change you can actually keep.
The other partner can say what remains unresolved and whether they are ready to continue. Deep betrayals, repeated broken agreements or conversations that become intimidating need careful professional support. You do not need to force a painful discussion at home to prove commitment.
If apologies keep leading back to the same hurt, ask whether a Couples Intensive is appropriate for your situation. The enquiry can begin with safety, accountability and what each of you needs next.
Enquire about a Couples Intensive
by Kobus van der Merwe | Sep 21, 2026 | Blog, Couples
A bid for affection can carry a longing to feel desired. The same bid can be received as an expectation. When one partner feels rejected and the other feels pressured, even an ordinary touch may become difficult to interpret.
You may then protect yourselves in ways that deepen the distance. One stops initiating to avoid another painful refusal. The other avoids affection because they worry it will be taken as a promise. There can be grief on both sides, with very little room to talk about it safely.
Imago therapy brings attention to what happens between you around intimacy. Each partner gets to describe their own experience. Neither has to defend a level of desire, perform closeness or agree to sexual contact in order to be treated with care.
Consent remains essential. A no must be respected, and affection cannot create an obligation to continue. You can listen to your partner’s disappointment while keeping your boundary. You can also speak honestly about longing without making your partner responsible for removing it through sex.
In a facilitated dialogue, the conversation might begin with what helps each of you experience closeness, what creates pressure, or what you fear your partner assumes. The receiver mirrors, validates and empathises before you switch. The therapist helps you speak without accusation and receive what is said without turning it into a demand.
Desire has more than one influence. This relational work focuses on making the contact between you more respectful, honest and welcoming. It cannot promise a particular sexual outcome. What it can offer is a way to understand your experiences together and consider mutually acceptable next steps.
Ask about closeness without an expectation
At a time you both choose, ask: ‘What kind of connection would feel welcome between us this week?’ Use the dialogue sequence to understand the answer. Either partner may prefer a conversation, shared activity or something else entirely.
Agree only to what both freely welcome. Let that agreement stand without an expectation that it must lead further. If this subject quickly becomes painful, arrange a facilitated dialogue rather than trying to work it out during an intimate moment.
If intimacy has become difficult to discuss, enquire about a Couples Intensive. It offers space to explore the relationship around intimacy, with respect for both partners’ pace and boundaries.
Ask about a Couples Intensive
