When Solving One Problem Leads to Another

Have you ever felt like as soon as you fix one issue in your marriage, a new one takes its place? You work hard to improve communication about finances, then suddenly you’re clashing over intimacy. You rebuild trust after a crisis, and next you’re arguing about family boundaries. It can be discouraging – like you’re playing whack-a-mole with relationship problems. You might even think, “Should it really be this hard? Are we just too different?”

Believe it or not, this cycle of new conflicts emerging is actually normal in a growing marriage. In fact, it can be a sign that you’re moving forward, not backward. Relationships aren’t static; they evolve through developmental stages, much like individuals do. When you resolve one layer of tension, it often reveals the next layer that needs work. The key is to recognize this as a growth process, not a sign of failure. Let’s explore how one couple discovered the power of embracing each stage of growth in their marriage, using dialogue and patience.

A Couple’s Story: One Step Forward, Two Steps Back?

Consider Rita and Skye, a couple together for 12 years. They cared deeply for each other, but their relationship felt like a roller coaster at times. Early on, they had a major struggle with trust – Skye felt Rita was emotionally distant and worried she couldn’t count on her commitment. With effort, they worked through that and rebuilt their trust. But a few months after that breakthrough, a new conflict erupted over decision-making and control.

Rita, a take-charge executive, was used to calling the shots. Skye, a free-spirited artist, felt stifled and unheard whenever Rita made decisions for both of them (about money, social plans, etc.) without consulting her. Now they were in a power struggle, even though trust was no longer an issue. It was bewildering – after all their progress, here they were fighting about something else. Both began to wonder if they were simply too incompatible to be happy.

They even separated for a short time at one point, only to come back together because they truly loved each other. By the time they sought help from a marriage counsellor, Rita and Skye were exhausted. “We fix one thing, and something else goes wrong,” they lamented. “Are we just not meant to be?”

The Imago Perspective: Every Conflict Is an Invitation to Grow

Their counsellor introduced them to a concept from Imago Relationship Therapy that immediately gave them hope. According to Imago theory, committed partners unconsciously come together to finish childhood – essentially, to help each other heal and grow past the unfinished developmental stages of early life. In other words, the deeper purpose of marriage is to drive personal growth. That means the conflicts you face aren’t random annoyances – they’re the curriculum of your relationship, guiding you toward wholeness.

She explained that relationships tend to move through developmental stages. In each stage, certain core needs emerge and old wounds can be triggered. For example, many couples first have to establish a secure base of connection and trust (Can I count on you and feel safe with you?). Once that’s solid, the next stage often brings up issues of autonomy and power (How can we be close without losing ourselves or feeling controlled?). Later stages might involve identity or self-esteem challenges between partners (Can I be fully myself and still be loved?). According to this view, when one stage’s challenges are resolved, the next stage’s challenges naturally arise. It’s not that you’re “back to square one” – it’s that your relationship is moving up to a new level of intimacy (with new lessons to learn).

This perspective was a revelation for Rita and Skye. They began to reframe their conflicts not as proof that they were wrong for each other, but as opportunities to tackle the next growth area in their relationship. Conflict wasn’t a sign of failure – it was an invitation to deeper understanding and maturity.

Dialogue as a Tool for Growth

Armed with this new mindset, Rita and Skye approached their latest power struggle differently. Instead of throwing up their hands, they got curious. In therapy, they used the Imago Dialogue process (taking turns speaking and truly listening without interrupting) to explore what was really underneath their fights about control. They discovered this stage was touching old childhood wounds for both of them.

For Rita, being in control had been her coping mechanism since childhood – she grew up in chaos and had to become responsible early. Her worst fear was feeling helpless or out of control. So in adult life, when things felt uncertain or chaotic, her reflex was to take charge (without realizing it sometimes shut out Skye’s input). Skye, on the other hand, grew up with very strict, controlling parents. Her core wound was feeling like her voice didn’t matter. So when Rita would “take over,” it struck that old nerve and made Skye shut down or push back to feel heard.

Through intentional dialogue, they truly heard each other’s deeper feelings. Rita finally understood that when she made all the decisions, it left Skye feeling insignificant – just as she had felt as a teenager under her parents’ strict rules. And Skye realized that when she disengaged or resisted everything, it triggered Rita’s fear of chaos – echoing the instability of Rita’s childhood. With this new understanding, they both sincerely apologized and acknowledged each other’s pain.

Next, the counsellor coached them to practice new behaviors to support each other’s growth. Rita worked on sharing power – consulting Skye on decisions and sometimes consciously stepping back to let Skye’s preferences lead, so she could learn that things wouldn’t “fall apart” if she wasn’t controlling them. Skye worked on stepping up – voicing her opinions and needs clearly (instead of quietly stewing) and taking initiative on plans, so she could experience being effective and heard. In short, they each stretched into a more developed version of themselves: Rita learned to relax her grip on control, and Skye learned to assert herself.

Breakthrough: Embracing the Journey

As Rita and Skye applied these changes, their “new” issue began to resolve – just as their earlier trust issue had. More importantly, they learned to view future conflicts with hope rather than dread. They knew there would be more bumps down the road (life always brings them), but now they saw those bumps as signs that they were entering a new growth phase, not that they were doomed.

Instead of seeing their relationship as constantly breaking down, they began to see it as continuously breaking through to deeper levels. Fights became less scary because they realized each one held a lesson for them. With each stage of growth they mastered, they felt more equipped for the next, and their marriage became a true partnership in growth.

Growing Up Together

The journey of marriage is often a journey of personal growth – and growth rarely happens in a straight line. It comes in stages, with spurts and plateaus. If you and your spouse find that new issues crop up just when you thought you had everything figured out, don’t panic. It doesn’t mean your marriage is broken; it may mean it’s evolving.

The key is to approach each new challenge with curiosity and commitment, rather than despair. Marriage counselling can provide valuable perspective and tools, as it did for Rita and Skye. A skilled counsellor can help you identify which developmental stage you’re in and what the real underlying tasks of that stage are. More importantly, they can guide you in using dialogue and empathy to grow through it together.

Remember, a thriving marriage isn’t one with zero conflict – it’s one where conflict leads to growth and deeper connection. Each time you “finish” one chapter and move to the next, you’re building a richer bond with your partner. When you both embrace the idea that you’re in this as growth partners, there’s much less dread when a new issue arises. Instead, you can say, “Alright, what is this trying to teach us, and how can we handle it side by side?”

So if it feels like you keep finding new mountains to climb in your relationship, take a moment to recognize how many you’ve already scaled together. See the pattern: each peak has made you stronger for the next. With that outlook – and perhaps the guidance of marriage counselling – you can face future stages hand in hand. In time, you’ll look back and realize that all those ups and downs molded you into a team with profound trust, flexibility, and love. That’s the beauty of growing up together in marriage: the challenges don’t break you apart; they shape you into a couple that can weather anything, together.