By Kobus van der Merwe | Imago Relationship Therapist and Trainer
The fight may begin with shoes on the floor, a mother-in-law, or how to discipline the children. Before long, you are having a conversation you have had many times before. You explain. Your partner defends. You push harder, or one of you disappears into silence. Afterwards, both of you feel further apart.
In my work with couples, I help them discover the needs that have become difficult to hear inside these arguments. Imago Relationship Therapy gives both partners a structured way to speak and listen, so they can begin to feel seen, supported and connected again. That changes the conditions in which they address their disagreements.
The need that gets lost inside the argument
Couples often believe they are stuck because they cannot agree about the subject of the fight. Yet beneath a repeated argument, I frequently hear something more personal: “Do I matter to you? Do I have a voice here? Can I count on your support?”
These needs have a history. Someone who grew up without being heard may experience a partner dismissing their opinion as painfully familiar. Earlier experiences of being unsupported can give particular intensity to feeling alone in a marriage today.
The need then comes out as an accusation. “You never care” carries a longing for care, but the partner hears an attack and starts defending. As the defence grows, the person asking for connection feels even less heard. Both become caught in a conversation that keeps their needs out of reach.
The present issue still matters. Children need thoughtful parenting, and hurtful behaviour needs to change. Hearing the relational need beneath the argument helps couples address those realities with more understanding and responsibility.
A couple fighting about their children
One couple I worked with repeatedly fought about parenting. The wife felt her husband was too strict and did not allow the children a voice. He felt she sided with the children and undermined him in front of them. He experienced himself as separate from the family; she experienced her opinion as less important than his.
The more he insisted on order, the more she felt she had to override him to be heard. The more she challenged him, the more unsupported he felt as a father.
Through dialogue, he could express his wish to be a good parent and his need for support in doing that. She could express her need to be heard, to feel safe, and to have a voice equal to his.
As those needs became clearer, she could support his contribution as a parent, and he could make room for hers. They began to become a parenting team, able to bring both order and freedom into family life. Their different perspectives became something they could work with together.
How Imago changes the conversation
I work with both sides of the exchange. I help one partner listen without immediately defending, attacking or taking over. I help the other express the need underneath the blame.
For example, “You spoil the children and leave me to be the responsible one” might become: “I want to be a good parent, and I feel alone in that. I need to feel that we are doing this together.”
The Imago Dialogue gives this conversation a structure. In mirroring, the listener reflects what the speaker has said and checks for accuracy. In validation, the listener recognises how the partner’s perspective makes sense, even when their own perspective differs. In empathy, the listener tries to understand the feelings involved and checks that understanding with the partner. Then they switch roles.
Both people have room to speak and to be received. Someone who usually takes over practises listening. Someone who usually disappears has a protected turn in which to become present.
Safety makes listening possible
When the space between partners feels threatening, listening becomes difficult. One may raise their voice; the other may freeze or withdraw. Their bodies become caught up in the experience of disconnection.
I may begin with slower breathing, supported eye contact, mirroring or a guided visualisation. I also structure the conversation so that neither person has to fight for a turn. The purpose is to help them experience enough safety and connection to speak differently and hear each other.
If someone says, “Why should I listen when they keep hurting me?”, I take that objection seriously. I listen for the need within it: perhaps space, recognition, or reassurance that their voice will also matter. We work to make room for that need rather than forcing the conversation forward.
Years of working with couples have taught me that the quiet partner is not automatically the calmer or more secure one. In a recurring pattern of pursuing and withdrawing, both may feel deeply unsafe. The louder partner needs help to become hearable, and the withdrawing partner needs enough safety to show up. The dance between them needs to change.
Why I work on the conditions between partners
A couple can leave therapy with an agreement about this week’s behaviour and still feel like enemies. That is why my primary focus is the quality of the space between them: whether both voices matter, whether they can speak without blame, and whether empathy is becoming possible.
As those conditions change, partners can begin to respond differently because they understand the person in front of them. In my experience, that gives behaviour change a more sustainable foundation.
Specific requests have a place too. I encourage couples to enable their partner to respond to a need by making it clear and possible to act on. For example: “Before we decide on a consequence for the children, would you hear my view so we can make the decision together?”
I look for signs that the relationship itself is changing. Blame becomes less frequent. The person speaking becomes more vulnerable. The listener grows more curious and less judgmental. There is more empathy, even while differences remain.
A first practice to try together
Choose a time when you are both willing to listen, and begin with something manageable. This is a first practice in mirroring, which you can develop further through guided dialogue.
- Turn towards each other. Sit facing one another and make eye contact in a way that feels comfortable to both of you.
- Let one person speak briefly. Use one or two sentences to describe your experience and a need, with as little blame as possible.
- Mirror the words. The listener begins, “I hear you say…” and reflects the message without adding an explanation or a defence.
- Check your understanding. Ask, “Did I hear you accurately?” If something was missed, listen to the correction and mirror again.
- Invite more. Once the speaker feels accurately heard, say, “Tell me more.” Continue in short turns until they have finished.
- Switch roles. Give the other partner the same space to speak and be heard.
If either of you becomes overwhelmed, pause and agree when to return. A therapist can help you find a pace and structure that make the conversation possible.
When you are exhausted by fighting
It makes sense to feel exhausted. Repeated fighting takes energy from your relationship and from the rest of your life. Being tired of this pattern can become an opening to consider a different way of being together.
I see frustration as something worth listening to. It can reveal where the relationship needs more room for both people to feel valued, connected and alive. Couples can use that information to grow more conscious of how they affect each other.
Imago Therapy offers guidance, structure and skills for that work. You can begin by letting your partner finish a sentence, hearing the need within it, and discovering that there is room for your experience too. With support and practice, a conversation that once kept you apart can become a place where you find each other again.