“When one person carries the relationship, eventually their back – and heart – start to break.”
The Weight of One-Sided Love
Being the one who always plans the dates, initiates the tough talks, apologizes first, or remembers the anniversaries can feel like carrying a heavy backpack – the “relationship backpack.” You might be thinking, “If I didn’t do all this, would our relationship even survive?” It’s painful and lonely to feel like the only one putting in effort. Over time, resentment builds up. You may start seeing your partner as lazy or uncaring, while you feel exhausted and taken for granted. On the other side, the partner who’s less active might not even realize how much weight you’re lugging around. They might think everything is “fine” or assume you’re just naturally better at those things.
This imbalance can slowly chip away at your connection. The hardworking partner burns out or grows bitter, and the other partner feels nagged or inadequate when the tension finally explodes. But here’s the truth: most people who seem to disengage aren’t doing it out of spite. Sometimes they don’t know how to participate more, or they fear their efforts won’t measure up. Sometimes they truly don’t see the imbalance. That’s why communication is key – but it has to be the right kind of communication. Simply yelling, “You never do anything!” usually doesn’t get the result you hope for. It might just make your partner defensive or ashamed, and nothing changes. So, how do you get them to truly hear you and step up?
Inviting Your Partner Into the Dialogue
Imago Couples Dialogue offers a gentle yet powerful way to address this one-sided dynamic. Instead of accusing or complaining, it lets you express your feelings in a structured conversation where your partner is guided to really listen. In an Imago Dialogue about this issue, you as the Sender might share something like, “I feel alone in our relationship sometimes, like I’m pulling all the weight and I’m really tired.” Saying it that way – focusing on your feelings – is very different from, “You never help me.” It’s vulnerable and honest without being blaming. The dialogue format ensures that your partner, as the Receiver, will mirror those words back to you, which means they have to actively take in what you’re saying: “You feel alone and tired because you’re carrying so much in our relationship…” This step is crucial. Your experience is acknowledged out loud by them, not brushed aside.
Then, in the next stages of the dialogue, your partner will validate and empathize – perhaps saying, “It makes sense you feel that way; I’ve been letting you handle a lot on your own,” and “You must feel really worn out and unappreciated.” Hearing your partner say these things can be incredibly healing. It shows that the message finally landed. They see your struggle now. Often, this is the turning point: the more passive partner has a moment of realization about how much their loved one has been doing, and how their inaction has hurt the person they care about.
From One-Sided to Side-by-Side
The goal of Imago Dialogue isn’t to place blame on one partner for being “lazy” – it’s to bring both of you onto the same page. When the less-involved partner truly hears how their absence affects you, it awakens empathy and a desire to change. And because the dialogue encourages a non-judgmental atmosphere, that partner doesn’t feel attacked; they feel invited to help. Once the air is cleared, you can talk about practical ways to rebalance the relationship. Maybe it’s agreeing to take turns planning date nights, or setting up a weekly check-in talk so you’re not always the one bringing up issues. Imago Dialogue turns “me versus you” into “us versus the problem.” You start tackling the imbalance together, as a team.
For you who have been carrying so much, sharing your experience and finally feeling heard can lift a tremendous weight off your shoulders. Just knowing your partner understands and cares makes the load lighter. And for the other partner, stepping up and contributing more can actually feel great too – it’s empowering to know you’re actively nurturing your relationship rather than passively riding along. The relationship becomes more balanced and fulfilling for both of you when each person is doing their part.
Sharing the Load
No one should feel like they’re dragging the entire relationship behind them. If you’ve been feeling that way, it’s time for a change – and it starts with a single conversation where you let your partner into your world. Imago Couples Dialogue is the advanced tool that can facilitate this change, creating an open, safe space for both of you to recommit to each other. It all begins with listening and understanding.
Ready to set down that heavy load and walk hand-in-hand instead? Try initiating an Imago Dialogue using our free online tool at https://imagorelationship.co.za/dialogue/. It will guide you through expressing your feelings and needs, and guide your partner to respond with empathy. Through this process, you can transform “I’m carrying the relationship” into “We’re carrying it together.” That’s what true partnership is all about.
A healthy relationship is a two-way street. Imago Dialogue invites the quieter partner to step up and truly engage.