1. With who do you fall in love?

You fall in love with someone because of two reasons:

Firstly, without even realizing it, you create your picture of the perfect lover based on your childhood caregiver. For you to feel your partner is acting the same as one of your parents is not a coincidence, it is the truth. Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt explains; when someone acts in the same way as your childhood caregiver, the familiarity thereof creates an immediate sense of safety. You know the behaviour and already know how to react upon it and so, you feel safe enough to let down your walls and reveal who you are. Of course, it is possible for this familiar behaviour to not be seen as safe.

Therefore, is the second reason; you will fall in love with the person who brings back your lost parts. In a life where you’re always chasing after the next thing, you will fall in love with the one who reminds you to take a moment of rest. If you have a need of order in your ongoing chaos, you will find someone who will bring you calmness. Your partner will bring you all the parts you have lost and so does the safety of being yourself, becomes complete.


3. How do the phases change the love?

The power struggle

In this phase your perception of yourself and your partner will begin to change. Suddenly everything that you fell in love with becomes the source of your frustration. Your partners’ excitement becomes childish. Their interest in cars is far from interesting, as it once was. Due to the harsh truth of how difficult it is to overcome this phase; many couples get stuck here. The desire to escape the relationship intensifies and so begins escape routes such as divorce, affairs, the misuse of substances and separate lives.

Becoming thoughtful and reflective

Finally, after a rough patch of being uncomfortable and frustrated, do you and partner reach a point of calm realization. In this phase you will develop (and improve) the ability to listen to each other with the use of empathy and appreciation. You learn how to understand your partner and their ways. You begin to see what you can learn from them and what you can teach them in return.


2. How the relationship develops:

The relationship can be divided into two phases; first the “love affair & power struggle” and then the “thoughtful & reflective” phase.

Just as fast as you fell in love, you can fall out of love as well. A life together in harmony can easily change to a life of loneliness and recklessness.

Relationship cycle

4. How to retrain the love:


There are three steps to follow:

  1. The process of mirroring
  2. Acknowledgement
  3. Empathy
  1. The process of mirroring

Goal: It is all about creating the safety of sharing. The safety that is needed in order to share and listen about each other’s feelings, should be created jointly.

How: Each of you get a turn to share how you feel and what your perspective on the situation is. The listener should then mirror what the teller have said, by repeating everything that was said. Remember to start with the words “What I hear you saying is…”, also to ensure the listener has heard everything, they should ask “Did I miss anything?”

Remember: The purpose of the listener is to just listen. No questions, no interruptions or comments. Remember, you should create safety for your partner to be heard!

  1. Acknowledgement: The listener acknowledges what the teller has said and acknowledges also the relevancy thereof.
  2. Empathy: The listener should place themselves in the shoes of the teller. The purpose of this is to improve the listener’s ability to understand the teller’s actions and reactions.